Dreamer

They say not to look back, to leave the past in the past, that it’s time to move on now. But I do look back. Because you’re there. And I need to see you. Because I’m not through with you. I’m not through learning from loving you. And so I look back. To look for the places that were weak. The places we broke. To see if maybe I could have done something differently. To know. Really really know that I did all I could then. And to know how I can do better now. To see what the breaking revealed. I look for the places that were strong. The moments written in the spaces between us. The moments that live on even now. The moments that tell me there is still something between our souls. That there was, is, and always will be. I look back to see those things. To remind myself that even if we failed on the outside, even though we can’t be together now, there is something of us that lives and sings through it all today. I look back to see the moments your eyes locked ...

It's hard looking back sometimes. It's hard to come back here and read the words of a girl that gave everything she was to a boy that didn't want her. A boy that never deserved her. Whoever that girl was, she doesn't exist anymore. That girl that would give anything, change anything, be anything for love no longer exists. She died the day she realized who that boy truly was. I will fully admit that I was that girl. I was that dreamer that wanted to believe that there was some good in all people, that even if someone did something bad, that there was a reason behind it. No person was evil or mean at heart, they were simply lost. After the events of the past year I can say that some people harbor an evil within them that cannot be explained, and cannot be fixed. There are liars, and abusers and worthless human beings in this world. He was one of them. So this is my last letter to him. A hardened goodbye that until today I have been too scared to attempt to write. Becaus...

It's funny how life works out sometimes. How you don't really realize what you want in life until you have it, or until you reach a point when you don't have it.   Ten years ago I was head over heels in love with the boy that I thought I was going to spend my whole life with. The man that I would one day have a child with, a forever with. And then life got turned upside down and I realized that he was not the man I had always envisioned him to be. That the man in my dreams every night that was holding my hand while I joyed in a wedding dress, told fantastic tales to my belly each night in preparation for our first child, and cuddled with our son and daughter in an oversize arm chair... just wasn't him anymore. That man was still in my dreams, or some shadow of a man that was never defined enough for me to recognize, but for whom my love for was not only unconditional but also overwhelming. It was after this that I began to live life, fully and als...

Somewhere along the way I lost something that cannot be replaced. I can feel the deep pang for this unknown thing, but cannot identify it anymore that I can find it. I have gained so much recently that it is unsettling how empty and alone it feels. I have grown so much, and yet I don't know whether this growth is an accomplishment, or a curse.  I fears many things, and feels so much loss. The episodes of my past are growing to be waves of regret, tsunamis of misunderstanding. Looking back there were so many events that led me to become the person that I am now. I have lost so much that I finds it hard to believe that anything in my life can be consistent, that anyone would be willing to stay. People always leave...and the wreckage they leave behind is nearly unbearable. I have picked up my own pieces so many times that I no longer resembles that girl that I used to be. But now I stands on solid ground for the first time and it is unfamiliar. I do not trust the feeling ...

Some days my heart aches in ways that are difficult to describe...difficult to even admit. I stare at the pic of her and I feel so many conflicting emotions that it becomes overwhelming.  Love, unquestionable love and desire. Hope, for happiness and comfort. But also a deep and ever-present darkness...anxiety, worry, despair. I have stood here before. Not exactly here, it was very different. I was...naive, pure, innocent. He was...he was...deceptive. As more time passes the memory fades, both in importance and clarity. I don't love him anymore. I wasn't sure that would be possible back then. I was sure that kind of love was...inescapable. That the poison would linger, that his thorn vines would continue to strangle me and I would never be free. Yet here I stand, "free". And yet I am caged, not by him or even his memory. I now realize that the real prison was made by me. He changed me. What he did to me is cut so deeply, so suddenly that I cannot pretend ...

We make choices everyday.  A thousand mindless and inconsequential choices.  Choices which sometimes are made consciously and some which are made sub-consciously  and within these millions of choices there hides the few that matter. The few that we needed to make with care, that were lost within the rest. She often looks back on her choices, wondering when and how her life ended up like this.  As if there will be one defining and obvious moment that changed it all. Knowing full well that the truth is that she changes everyday, like we all do.   She is well-educated intelligent woman. And yet, she will not give up on the most unrealistic and fictional dream of them all. She is smarter than she is allowing herself to be, but this is due entirely to the size and functionality of her emotional heart.  She knows full well that her heart is not her emotional center (or anyone's for that matter), that it is merely a symbol and long-standing fiction....