Fear

Somewhere along the way I lost something that cannot be replaced. I can feel the deep pang for this unknown thing, but cannot identify it anymore that I can find it. I have gained so much recently that it is unsettling how empty and alone it feels. I have grown so much, and yet I don't know whether this growth is an accomplishment, or a curse. I fears many things, and feels so much loss. The episodes of my past are growing to be waves of regret, tsunamis of misunderstanding.

Looking back there were so many events that led me to become the person that I am now. I have lost so much that I finds it hard to believe that anything in my life can be consistent, that anyone would be willing to stay. People always leave...and the wreckage they leave behind is nearly unbearable. I have picked up my own pieces so many times that I no longer resembles that girl that I used to be.

But now I stands on solid ground for the first time and it is unfamiliar. I do not trust the feeling that I will not fall. But I am grounded by much more than I have ever experienced. I have love. Honest love. But somehow I am still unsure if I can believe this love. This person seems different, but then again didn't they all? My past has marked me. I am aware of the exact moments that have caused me to doubt this. And there are moments, times when her eyes shift, or when her smile twists in just the right wrong way. And I am taken right back, back to that moment. I sees another's eyes, and feels everything I thought I had let go of so long ago.

The truth is that it still hurts and it might always hurt. It may never change. And as time goes on she will be less accepting of my flaws. She understood in the beginning, but she will reach a point where it is not an excuse anymore. She will not accept that I am damaged anymore. I am terrified and unsure. I don't know what to do because I cannot change this. I have tried so hard to leave that in my past, those feelings, that torture. But as I type this I somehow knows that I never will.

If I am honest he ruined me. I will always hold on too tight. I will always fall too hard. I will always wonder. Wonder if there is not a monster behind those beautiful eyes.  I don't have a problem loving, but I will never trust that those eyes will not quickly and quietly turn. I may never believe that I would be enough. And I will never allow her deep enough inside my heart to crack it. If I could, if she could look into that chamber, if she could see who I truly am, would she stay?

When I was 23 I fell hard and fast. And I surrendered everything inside my heart and inside my soul to a boy.  And for years believed I had something that no one else could ever or would ever understand. I considered myself lucky, that I had that one in a million love that would last forever. And then he shed his lies, and he broke me. No wound would ever compares to the scars that remain on my spirit. My wings are tattered and they hold tight and protectively around the pieces of my heart that he left behind.

I lost so much more than a boy the day he walked away. I lost direction and I lost faith, in myself and also in the world.

Years later I wonders if I will get another chance and if this is my chance and I am simply too broken to let her in.

She loves me. But she has never seen what I hides. So life has come full circle and now I must shed my lies. And I fears that look in her eyes when I breaks her just the same.