Somewhere along the way I lost who I was and what I stood for. I unknowingly and of no one's fault but my own, allowed my life to become something different than it should be. And you might ask how I know what my life should be, because how can anyone know what that is? Maybe I don't know, but what I do know is that where I ended up was absolutely, with no question or even slight pause, not where I should be. Lost in a world of chaos, and floating in a sea of would'ves and should'ves, but didn'ts. I allowed my life to become meaningless, void of all creativity and insight. My words used to mean everything to me, and at some point I lost not only my passion for those words, but my will to voice them. I grew embarrassed of the writer in me, and scared of where those words were taking me. And so I let them go, slowly, but surely as well.
Today, I realized that I am unhappy of where my life has taken me. I'm happy with the people in my life, even though I have lost touch with some along the way, but I am not yet happy with myself. Without my words I fear that I will not survive in this world. And so, this is me and everything I could not hold in today.
The rain would not stop today, it poured with a ferocity I have not seen in many years. It did not pour in revenge, but in payback. Payback for the sins that I had still at that moment denied. My father often says that it would take a hurricane to wash away the sins he had committed. I caught myself smiling at the thought. The thought that this was my hurricane, but that it might take a hurricane and a half with all the wrong I had done to get here. In my head I was standing on the edge of the ocean, challenging the waves to wash me away with them. I was begging and pleading them to take me, to just let me go. And when I was sure that they would, I finally found the will to fight back. The will to write about it, rather than let it take me in.
I think we all finally reach a point where we find that we have, no matter our dedication to prevent it, grown up. We reach a point in our lives where we need more to live for other than ourselves. I have experienced many things in this life, and learned many lessons, but those that are most important cannot be achieved until I can live not for me, but for a family of my own. A lot of my friends are getting engaged, or married, or having babies and I thought I was fine living at my own pace, no matter how slow it was in regards to the rest, but I was wrong. I want everything that they have so badly, and so suddenly that I am unsure what to do. Am I really ready to become a wife, a mother? Can I truly dedicate my life to bringing life in to this world? I mean it is creation at it's most purest sense.
And love. Could she be different? Could she truly be the one for whom I have waited all my life? Cosmic, and exciting, and oftentimes frustrating as hell? I fear that I have found someone worth that much, that I have stumbled unintentionally on "the one", and in the end I will screw it up. I have found many before her, but never made the right choices, or followed the right path. How does this is different? How can I be sure that she will not hurt me too? And does it even matter now, when I have made it so far in to her life and in to her heart? My heart beats best with her, but does not seem to have trouble beating on its own. Is that what love is, when you grow up, I mean? Does love stop being that earth-shattering and life-changing moment, and turn in to the moment that you simply like best? Comfortable and meaningful, but not as...exciting or bold. Is true love simply the only other person in the world that makes you the best you there is?
I am getting off topic. All I ask is that someone breathe life into me, and into this. Before the pages begin to shatter, and my body becomes cold.
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